journal 2

amaze me machine. | home

older entries

3.1.01 820 pm

the edge is really getting on my nerves right now. they keep playing commercials. god thats so annoying!! like ten minutes of commercials for every ten seconds of song. thats it, i'm boycotting. who's with me!??! i'm sure my mom will be proud. she now hates the edge because she heard them talking about the "itty bitty titty" contest, where you take a picture of your boobs, mail it in, and the winner gets free implants. of course, they might as well of had an "impale people and worship satan at the same time" contest because in my mother's head, its all the same. but hell. who cares. she can't make me stop listening to the edge. only I can do that. and i am dammit!! damn the commercials!! and damn the edge!!

* * *

hello journal. *hello emily* i am bored. *i know you are* eric lee keeps im'ing me. *i know, i can hear it.* its rather annoying isn't it? *yes.* i believe eric lee is reading this right now. *yes, yes he is.* eric go away!!!! *now, you've made him angry* is he calling? *no he's im'ing you*

ding ding ding ding ding ding dignd ighnd idgn dign dignd ginjd idng dign dignd ingd ign dign ~~~`!! @#$

* * *

2.17.01 7.35 pm

i just got back from the mall with greg. i got new sketchers. yay!! they're yellow and gray. the kind everybody already has, but that's okay. man, my dog stinks. he's lying here next to me and he needs a bath. i have to finish my history paper - argagagah. i made my french mask today. i'm proud of it- i think it looks cool. except i super-glued feathers to my fingers (on accident) and now it feels all weiird like. i can't feel my skin or something. =/ i'm a retard. it took me like twenty minutes just to rip the feathers off, and it kinda hurt. oh well. my turtle is sad. i need to take him to turtle therapy. i should get him a friend. oh well. poor merlin. hmm, i dont know what else to say...

* * *

2.16.01 10.58 pm

ah, long time no write. well thats okay. there's a lot of things that have happened since i last wrote, but they aren't public events and i would rather not share them with everyone, due to the fact that someone is bound to get offended. and that's all i'm saying about that. wow, i'm really tired. but i'm such a ho. i wont go to bed. i'm in that 'must not waste life/time sleeping' mode. i guess thats cool. but i'm tired now and i still have to take a shower (uuuggghhh) because i have the durn cat class tomorrow (acting). i'm in love with spongebob squarepants. that show is so funny. it really is. and he's so cool. i found a site that actually tells you how to make youre OWN spongebob with a sponge. thats the shiznit. you know i'm going to try. i have so much crap to do this weekend. BLAH. i don't wanna go to private school anymore. once again, that's all i'm going to say about that. i know it's annoying because i bitch about hating the school so much but everybody knows that i will never leave. that's because i'm a coward. and i dont care if this is annoying you dammit. if it is...GO AWAY! me and spongebob don't like you!! i get my permit soon....woooow. just yesterday that seemed like such a far time off, but now...ahh. my my how i grow up. *sits silently for several seconds reflecting on past. gets hit in the head with a large goose and snaps out of it.* blah blah blah. i'm in love with the aeroplane song by RHCP. its old i know. but greatness. i found an old painting that i had started in my closet. i think i'm gonna go finish it. nah...i'm too tired. i think i'll go take one of them..whatever you call them..ah yes, showers. blah. poop on the shower. and then i'll go sleep in my sleepy room. greg says my room is cool because its a 'sleepy room'. of course those arent the exact words he used. but all the same. i have a sleepy room and you don't! good bye! and go watch some spongebob!!!

* * *

1.4.01

i got really good grades in school. i don't know why. i think because of the long vacation the teachers forgot to hate me.

* * *

11.24.00 7:29 pm

i got home tonite and there was a message on my machine from my dad. he told my one of my aunts, who i knew pretty well, had died. i spent the next 30 minutes glueing rhinestones onto the underwear that i had just bought at the mall. thats about when i realized just how fucking shallow i can be.

* * *

11.23.00 6:01 pm

ahhh....thanksgiving.

* * *

11.19.00 9:29 pm

saw little nicky last nite. the movie sucks. today i'm going to my grandparents house to visit some quote unquote "SCOTISH RELATIVES" that are visiting us. i talked to them a little yesterday. i had to have my mom translate. from what i gathered the woman has something from "head to till" and was a "wee bit hongray". i also believe she named all her daughters margaret. i'm thoroughly confused. anyway, i'm pretty hongray myself, i think i'll go eat a nice nutrishish sunday breakfast. cheesecake.

* * *

11.11.00 12:38 pm.

it's saturday and i'm just doing work around the house. i have to do the laundry so i can get money for venice. anyway, no huge plans just going to gregie's tonite from about 7-11. skipped my acting class this morning seeing as, for the second time, i forgot to find/memorize a monologue and i would prefer to not be eaten alive. have an audition tomorrow with the casting director of road trip, something about mary, and other movies like that. you're probably wondering if i'm extremely proud of that seeing as i keep talking about it. well, yes. yes i am.

* * *

11.4.00 1:47 pm

i went to my acting class this morning. i finally feel like i'm getting somewhere with that. i'm starting to understand how to make acting real, and not..well...acting. our teacher, stephanie, does a really good job. basically you just have to figure out a way to connect with yourself. she tells us that what you do is you try to relate whatever character you're playing to something you've felt before. tap into old emotions. she says some actors "tap" into emotions that have hurt them so bad that they go crazy. like that main woman [vivian something] from gone with the wind went crazy after she did the movie. apparently because she thought up past things that were so painful, and since everyday for a very long time she thought about bad stuff she started having trouble distinguishing reality from emotions and whatnot. sounds wrong when i say it, but it's the truth. i swear. well, i'm tired, and i'm a bum, so it's time for me to go take my five hour cat nap. maybe eat some halloween candy. excercise. nah, scratch the latter.

* * *

11. 3. 00 9:21 pm

i went to the mall with greg today. he tried on some leather pants, which he tucked his maui, hawaii t-shirt. it was pretty funny. i convinced him into buying a semi-homo sweater that makes him look like a model. quite different from his usual jeans and a t-shirt style [not that there's anything wrong with that]. i spent the night at ashlye p's house last night. it was pretty fun. we just hung around and talked. there's something wrong with me though. thursday i was so emotionally unstable that i quite literally could talk to no one without crying, and for no reason at all. i never use to be a crybaby. it's like that feeling you get when you have a lump in your throat and you're holding back tears and then everything around you get's all messy and scary. and you're just petrified that at any moment someone will look over at you. then you'll watch them start walking towards you, then ask you if you're okay, and you say nothing and look the other way because that's what really upsets you and makes you cry. everything was so intense for about fifteen minutes that day i didn't want to exsist. not in that suicidal, wanting to DIE sort of way, i just didn't want to feel. or i didn't want to be seen. i wanted to be completely alone. then today i was just so happy about everything. i wasn't hyper, just happy. like i never thought about anything that had previously happened and i wasn't thinking about what else was going to happen, and i wasn't thinking about the time. it's hard for me to describe the way i feel. it sounds so ordinary but it's really not. i have these extremely strong emotions and the best way that i can express them is to just not show any expression at all. its really great. you know, in these acting classes i take they have this excercise. what you do is you get up in front of a video camera, then someone behind the camera tells you a story. you're supposed to react, but you can't talk, and they tape you. so all these different girls get up there and listen to some other girl tell her most embarrasing moment, or talk about her friend's bad hair day, and it's just not funny. but you don't want to be rude so you laugh. and its fake. and everybody notices. and afterwards we all decide if the person's reactions were realistic. i didn't think anybody's were [luckily there wasn't enough time for me to do it]. and that's what life is like, these automaticly fake reactions just to make other people like you. and now, i don't have to react, because i'm so wrapped up in my own world or drawn up with the one person i'm with, the reactions i have, they're so real- it's great. nobody notices a difference i don't think. but i can feel it, and it's really amazing.

* * *

10.28.00 3:58 PM.

today consisted of a revolutionarily boring acting class from 10-12, which ended up depressing me quite thoroughly after realizing that i was SPECIFICALLY not picked for an audition today. oh well, what can you do. next i went out to eat with me mom to papasitos. we got these shrimp that were stuffed with cheese and wrapped with bacon. mmm...bacon. then we went to half price books. ahh...how i love that store. it's probably one of my favorites. its real cheap and i find cooler stuff there than i do at barnes and nobles or any other black market book smuggling joint. so i bought this book called THE NECESSITY OF THE MIND, written by Roger Caillois. it's excrutiatingly hard to understand but it makes me feel smart when i read it, and my mom translates for me. it's all about abstract pyscology of the brain. about lyrical ideograms [signs associated with emotion of some sort]. don't worry i didn't know that either, thank god for mothers. it also has some awesome pictures in the book, which hopefully i will be setting as the background for some of these pages if i can get the scanner [which i swear is possessed] to start working again. going to a partay tonite from 7-11. looking forward to it. wish i had something cool to wear. oh well. guess i'll have to go naked again.

* * *

MOVING THE BED.

so at 1:00 last night i decide i'm not going to be able to sleep unless i move the bed. my friend susan (www.sandycabana.com) tells me it will help my chi: chinese thing for harmony with environment. so it's 1:15 and i'm down on my hands and knees pushing at the base of my bed when i notice there's a bunch of crap under there that i didn't know i had. i mean, i knew there was junk under there, i just didn't know what it was. so i start sifting through all this old stuff and remembering the good old days. i even found my first book on sex. ahh, those were the days. anyway, i spent all this time looking through stuff, decided what i was going to keep, what i was going to throw away, who i was going to call and tell them what i found, that i completely forgot what i had started off doing, and i didn't get the damned bed moved until like 4:00 in the morning. and part of me wishes that i would have just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, and the other part of me is glad i started such a task. which is the one i should have listened to? who cares. the point is that i did it. so if you ever feel like doing something for doing something. move the bed.


	amaze me machine. \| home journal older entries 3.1.01 820 pm the edge is really getting on my nerves right now. they keep playing commercials. god thats so annoying!! like ten minutes of commercials for every ten seconds of song. thats it, i'm boycotting. who's with me!??! i'm sure my mom will be proud. she now hates the edge because she heard them talking about the "itty bitty titty" contest, where you take a picture of your boobs, mail it in, and the winner gets free implants. of course, they might as well of had an "impale people and worship satan at the same time" contest because in my mother's head, its all the same. but hell. who cares. she can't make me stop listening to the edge. only I can do that. and i am dammit!! damn the commercials!! and damn the edge!! * * * hello journal. hello emily i am bored. i know you are eric lee keeps im'ing me. i know, i can hear it. its rather annoying isn't it? yes. i believe eric lee is reading this right now. yes, yes he is. eric go away!!!! now, you've made him angry is he calling? no he's im'ing you ding ding ding ding ding ding dignd ighnd idgn dign dignd ginjd idng dign dignd ingd ign dign ~~~`!! @#$ * * * 2.17.01 7.35 pm i just got back from the mall with greg. i got new sketchers. yay!! they're yellow and gray. the kind everybody already has, but that's okay. man, my dog stinks. he's lying here next to me and he needs a bath. i have to finish my history paper - argagagah. i made my french mask today. i'm proud of it- i think it looks cool. except i super-glued feathers to my fingers (on accident) and now it feels all weiird like. i can't feel my skin or something. =/ i'm a retard. it took me like twenty minutes just to rip the feathers off, and it kinda hurt. oh well. my turtle is sad. i need to take him to turtle therapy. i should get him a friend. oh well. poor merlin. hmm, i dont know what else to say... * * * 2.16.01 10.58 pm ah, long time no write. well thats okay. there's a lot of things that have happened since i last wrote, but they aren't public events and i would rather not share them with everyone, due to the fact that someone is bound to get offended. and that's all i'm saying about that. wow, i'm really tired. but i'm such a ho. i wont go to bed. i'm in that 'must not waste life/time sleeping' mode. i guess thats cool. but i'm tired now and i still have to take a shower (uuuggghhh) because i have the durn cat class tomorrow (acting). i'm in love with spongebob squarepants. that show is so funny. it really is. and he's so cool. i found a site that actually tells you how to make youre OWN spongebob with a sponge. thats the shiznit. you know i'm going to try. i have so much crap to do this weekend. BLAH. i don't wanna go to private school anymore. once again, that's all i'm going to say about that. i know it's annoying because i bitch about hating the school so much but everybody knows that i will never leave. that's because i'm a coward. and i dont care if this is annoying you dammit. if it is...GO AWAY! me and spongebob don't like you!! i get my permit soon....woooow. just yesterday that seemed like such a far time off, but now...ahh. my my how i grow up. sits silently for several seconds reflecting on past. gets hit in the head with a large goose and snaps out of it. blah blah blah. i'm in love with the aeroplane song by RHCP. its old i know. but greatness. i found an old painting that i had started in my closet. i think i'm gonna go finish it. nah...i'm too tired. i think i'll go take one of them..whatever you call them..ah yes, showers. blah. poop on the shower. and then i'll go sleep in my sleepy room. greg says my room is cool because its a 'sleepy room'. of course those arent the exact words he used. but all the same. i have a sleepy room and you don't! good bye! and go watch some spongebob!!! * * * 1.4.01 i got really good grades in school. i don't know why. i think because of the long vacation the teachers forgot to hate me. * * * 11.24.00 7:29 pm i got home tonite and there was a message on my machine from my dad. he told my one of my aunts, who i knew pretty well, had died. i spent the next 30 minutes glueing rhinestones onto the underwear that i had just bought at the mall. thats about when i realized just how fucking shallow i can be. * * * 11.23.00 6:01 pm ahhh....thanksgiving. * * * 11.19.00 9:29 pm saw little nicky last nite. the movie sucks. today i'm going to my grandparents house to visit some quote unquote "SCOTISH RELATIVES" that are visiting us. i talked to them a little yesterday. i had to have my mom translate. from what i gathered the woman has something from "head to till" and was a "wee bit hongray". i also believe she named all her daughters margaret. i'm thoroughly confused. anyway, i'm pretty hongray myself, i think i'll go eat a nice nutrishish sunday breakfast. cheesecake. * * * 11.11.00 12:38 pm. it's saturday and i'm just doing work around the house. i have to do the laundry so i can get money for venice. anyway, no huge plans just going to gregie's tonite from about 7-11. skipped my acting class this morning seeing as, for the second time, i forgot to find/memorize a monologue and i would prefer to not be eaten alive. have an audition tomorrow with the casting director of road trip, something about mary, and other movies like that. you're probably wondering if i'm extremely proud of that seeing as i keep talking about it. well, yes. yes i am. * * * 11.4.00 1:47 pm i went to my acting class this morning. i finally feel like i'm getting somewhere with that. i'm starting to understand how to make acting real, and not..well...acting. our teacher, stephanie, does a really good job. basically you just have to figure out a way to connect with yourself. she tells us that what you do is you try to relate whatever character you're playing to something you've felt before. tap into old emotions. she says some actors "tap" into emotions that have hurt them so bad that they go crazy. like that main woman [vivian something] from gone with the wind went crazy after she did the movie. apparently because she thought up past things that were so painful, and since everyday for a very long time she thought about bad stuff she started having trouble distinguishing reality from emotions and whatnot. sounds wrong when i say it, but it's the truth. i swear. well, i'm tired, and i'm a bum, so it's time for me to go take my five hour cat nap. maybe eat some halloween candy. excercise. nah, scratch the latter. * * * 11. 3. 00 9:21 pm i went to the mall with greg today. he tried on some leather pants, which he tucked his maui, hawaii t-shirt. it was pretty funny. i convinced him into buying a semi-homo sweater that makes him look like a model. quite different from his usual jeans and a t-shirt style [not that there's anything wrong with that]. i spent the night at ashlye p's house last night. it was pretty fun. we just hung around and talked. there's something wrong with me though. thursday i was so emotionally unstable that i quite literally could talk to no one without crying, and for no reason at all. i never use to be a crybaby. it's like that feeling you get when you have a lump in your throat and you're holding back tears and then everything around you get's all messy and scary. and you're just petrified that at any moment someone will look over at you. then you'll watch them start walking towards you, then ask you if you're okay, and you say nothing and look the other way because that's what really upsets you and makes you cry. everything was so intense for about fifteen minutes that day i didn't want to exsist. not in that suicidal, wanting to DIE sort of way, i just didn't want to feel. or i didn't want to be seen. i wanted to be completely alone. then today i was just so happy about everything. i wasn't hyper, just happy. like i never thought about anything that had previously happened and i wasn't thinking about what else was going to happen, and i wasn't thinking about the time. it's hard for me to describe the way i feel. it sounds so ordinary but it's really not. i have these extremely strong emotions and the best way that i can express them is to just not show any expression at all. its really great. you know, in these acting classes i take they have this excercise. what you do is you get up in front of a video camera, then someone behind the camera tells you a story. you're supposed to react, but you can't talk, and they tape you. so all these different girls get up there and listen to some other girl tell her most embarrasing moment, or talk about her friend's bad hair day, and it's just not funny. but you don't want to be rude so you laugh. and its fake. and everybody notices. and afterwards we all decide if the person's reactions were realistic. i didn't think anybody's were [luckily there wasn't enough time for me to do it]. and that's what life is like, these automaticly fake reactions just to make other people like you. and now, i don't have to react, because i'm so wrapped up in my own world or drawn up with the one person i'm with, the reactions i have, they're so real- it's great. nobody notices a difference i don't think. but i can feel it, and it's really amazing. * * * 10.28.00 3:58 PM. today consisted of a revolutionarily boring acting class from 10-12, which ended up depressing me quite thoroughly after realizing that i was SPECIFICALLY not picked for an audition today. oh well, what can you do. next i went out to eat with me mom to papasitos. we got these shrimp that were stuffed with cheese and wrapped with bacon. mmm...bacon. then we went to half price books. ahh...how i love that store. it's probably one of my favorites. its real cheap and i find cooler stuff there than i do at barnes and nobles or any other black market book smuggling joint. so i bought this book called THE NECESSITY OF THE MIND, written by Roger Caillois. it's excrutiatingly hard to understand but it makes me feel smart when i read it, and my mom translates for me. it's all about abstract pyscology of the brain. about lyrical ideograms [signs associated with emotion of some sort]. don't worry i didn't know that either, thank god for mothers. it also has some awesome pictures in the book, which hopefully i will be setting as the background for some of these pages if i can get the scanner [which i swear is possessed] to start working again. going to a partay tonite from 7-11. looking forward to it. wish i had something cool to wear. oh well. guess i'll have to go naked again. * * * MOVING THE BED. so at 1:00 last night i decide i'm not going to be able to sleep unless i move the bed. my friend susan (www.sandycabana.com) tells me it will help my chi: chinese thing for harmony with environment. so it's 1:15 and i'm down on my hands and knees pushing at the base of my bed when i notice there's a bunch of crap under there that i didn't know i had. i mean, i knew there was junk under there, i just didn't know what it was. so i start sifting through all this old stuff and remembering the good old days. i even found my first book on sex. ahh, those were the days. anyway, i spent all this time looking through stuff, decided what i was going to keep, what i was going to throw away, who i was going to call and tell them what i found, that i completely forgot what i had started off doing, and i didn't get the damned bed moved until like 4:00 in the morning. and part of me wishes that i would have just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, and the other part of me is glad i started such a task. which is the one i should have listened to? who cares. the point is that i did it. so if you ever feel like doing something for doing something. move the bed.